Yep, I graduated. Considering that the first time I took a college level course was in the Fall of 1995, thats pretty impressive. Twelve years of working on the degree on and off and finally finishing the damned thing. Back in the mid nineties, as my friend Jason over and elluzion.net can attest to, I simply was not ready to be a college student. I was an energetic high school graduate, ready to experience life out on my own, for better or worse.

I believe that my College education has only benefited from it. Had I tried to stay in school back then, I would have scraped by, just like I did in high school. (My GPA was a solid 3.53 overall with a 3.76 in CS courses … not bad for a straight C high school student) By taking the time to waste some time, fall on my ass, and experience the working life without a college education, I found my motivation and some much needed direction for actually earning that degree.

Just like everything else in my life, I had to find out the hard way rather than just taking peoples word for it. Sure it would have been nice to have graduated much earlier, but then again I would not be the same person had I done it that way. I guess I am just the type of person who sticks the fork in the electrical outlet, gets his ass shocked off, and from then on KNOWS not to do that, rather than simply taking the advice of everyone around me.

Anyway, yay me.

My life has been utter chaos for the past couple months. I knew that the april/may 2007 time period would be rough because of all the things due to happen then. I knew that I would finally be graduating from college. I knew I would have final projects and final exams leading up to said graduation. I knew that work was going to really start ramping up in May and that I would be a lot busier as we left the design phases of the project and entered into implementation. I also knew that I had a baby on the way and that she would be here sometime in May. However, I DID not know that I would lose my Father on April 9th of 2007.

I am writing this post some 51 days after actually losing him and in all this time I have thought about and failed at coming up with a good way to write about it on my blog. I generally like to use my blog to rant on about any inane little thing that comes to mind. How could I put up a blog post tribute to my father and potentially sandwich it between comments about windows vista quirks and the latest video game developments? It just didn’t seem right.

Then there is the challenge of putting everything I want to say into actual words. I thought about it a lot, but never could quite come up with a good start. I simply wasn’t ready. Some two months later, I still am not totally ready, but I am going to try anyway.

I am very close to my dad. I have been very fortunate to have been raised in a family that was filled with love and understanding. Both my mother and father have put every ounce of themselves into providing a good life for me and my brother. That is one of the traits of my father that stands out the most to me. He was so very giving, not only to my brother and I, but to everyone he ever met.

As a new father myself, I think about growing up with my dad and the things we did together. Family was very important to him and I have many memories of him playing with my brother and I, taking us out to ball games, and teaching us about all sorts of things. He involved himself in all aspects of our lives helping us understand the world around us without forcing his own beliefs on us. I can only hope that 30 years from now, my daughter will think about how I raised her with similar love and respect.

I could go on about the man my father was for pages and pages of text and still only scratch the surface. All of it boils down to the fact that he was my dad and I loved him with all my soul. I will miss him. Whatever the nature of our spiritual side is, I know that he is looking in on me. I know that he looked on with pride when I was finally handed my diploma. And I just know that he is watching over the granddaughter that he never got to meet. I am not normally one to go on and on about the religious/spiritual side of things, but believing that there is SOMETHING beyond the veil of death has actually helped me a lot in getting through this time. Whether you believe in it or not, you cannot deny that his influence in my life with undoubtedly affect the influence I will have on my daughter. In that way, we live forever. With that in mind, why don’t we take the time to do the right things in life. Why don’t we go out of our way to try and make the world a better place, not just for our own sake, but because in a very real sense, we are what we do and what we do has real meaning and value beyond immediate, tangible result.

Dad, I love you and miss you very much.

When you let me fall, I grew my own wings
now I’m as tall as the skies.

When you let me drown, I grew gills and fins
now I’m as deep as the seas.

When you let me die, my spirits free
there is nothing challenging me.